1001 Things To Do With a Bible [Archive I]

evildave

February 15, 2002, 09:10 PM

Bibles In Aerospace
1.Use for BASH (Bird Air Strike Hazard) aircraft collision tests to save frozen chickens.
2.Use as a floatation device in the unlikely event they ditch the plane in the water; as if there won't be enough dead bodies to use as flotation devices....
3.Hide valuables in a latching copy in your luggage so baggage handlers (the ones from the old 'Samsonite' commercials) don't steal your stuff.
4.Get jacked up at the airport on that business trip you didn't want to go on by hiding "valuables" in a bible so it looks like a "bomb" (i.e. throw in some quarter rolls and a necklace and a spare battery). Have an anti-abortion pamphlet or two in the bag with it to ensure you thoroughly miss the flight.
5.Use a Koran (Q'ran?) instead of a bible to get a fireworks show and a spot on the evening news, too.
6.Tie to the end of a banner for airplane advertisements as a weight.
7.Use as blimp ballast.
8.Paste onto space shuttle tiles so they don't get dirty.
9.Gather up all the bibles in the world and launch them into space to use as a counterweight for a space elevator.
10.Use to FOD out a jet engine. (FOD: Foreign Object Damage)
11.Use to FOD out other types of turbines.
12.Use to illustrate aerodynamic properties of bricks.
13.Grind up finely and use as wind tunnel smoke.
14.Use as back support on uncomfortable airline seat.
15.If you "look Moslem", carry it to reassure dim people on the airplane you're a Christian, and NOT a terrorist.
16.Something to bridge the gap between tray tables and make a larger working surface.
17.Use cardboard cover, pages and resin to patch holes in antique aircraft.
18.When piloting a private aircraft, use it to wedge the controls as a cheap autopilot and take a nap.
19.Something to pry the cover to the “honey plug” at the back of the airplane.
20.Wheel chocks to keep airplanes from rolling around the air strip when the wind blows.
21.Something to keep your bag weighted while doing a “FOD Walk”
22.Use as airport runway markers.

Clothing And Accessories
23.Strap onto feet in winter for acceptable snowshoe substitute.
24.Use cover for replacement soles for worn out boots/shoes.
25.Stuff pages into jacket if it's really cold out.
26.Add straps and use two as sandals.
27.Cut out two large holes and strap to head for earmuffs.
28.Cut one large hole and hollow out and use as hat.
29.Just poke through some string and make a different hat by putting it on open over your head.
30.Tear out some paper and make yourself a false beard.
31.A mustache, too.
32.Bind bibles together to make an armored bible suit and helmet, then march up and down the street proclaiming things.
33.Fashion accessory for triple murderers (along with AA book).
34.Sending them to Troy Hurtelboise to build into a bear-proof suit.
35.Use as sports pads.
36.Use as knee cushion.
37.Bungee jumping helmet.
38.Stuff your bra with the pages to look bigger.
39.Stuff your pants with the pages to look bigger.
40.Make a sumo wrestler outfit.
41.Put inside full-body 'character' suit so it won't hurt so much when people kick you from behind.
42.Secure to gold-plated bicycle chain with bolt and you've got a rap musician's jewelry. "Yo! Yo! Yo!"
43.Make stunning ear-rings
44.Shoulder pads were in fashion a while back....
45.Use to hold your pants up. ("the Bible Belt").

Automotive
46.A wheel stop when changing a tire.
47.A block to keep a battery bunged to the inside of a fender wall of a corroded battery holder.
48.Stack a bunch in the bed of your pick-up for extra weight while driving in snow.
49.Use to replace those useful concrete blocks under the axles of the "second" family car - concrete blocks have better uses.
50.DIY Oil filter... oh wait, that's T.P.
51.Attach to a gas station restroom key to ensure the key won't be stolen.
52.Cut up pages/cover and use for temporary intake manifold or carburetor gaskets.
53.Pull cover off and use to test fan clutch (older cars with belt driven fans).
54.Use to test wood chippers.
55.Pothole filler.
56.Grind them up into biodegradable traction gravel and scatter on icy roads.
57.Grind up, add appropriate yeast, ferment, distill, use as fuel.
58.Loosely pile in an run-away truck emergency lane as things to absorb kinetic energy.
59.Mud flaps for your truck.
60.Use as vomit vector to keep it from splashing on the car when you're driving a sick drunk home (or to a stomach pump).
61.Use as bumper pads on railway cars.
62.Use as bumper pads on truck bumper to keep from marring cars you push.
63.Lay it open under a leaky car to protect garage floor/driveway.
64.Replacement water splash shields in engine compartment.
65.Something to put on a map to keep it from folding up.
66.Stick behind rust holes and fill in the other side with 'Bondo'.
67.Line pickup truck bed with them before you pick up gravel.
68.Line pickup truck bed with them before you pick up manure.
69.Use to skim gunk off while making biodiesel.
70.Use to wipe spilled gasoline off your car.
71.Use to scrape frost off your window.
72.Use to pry tire chains off tires.
73.Put wet chains on it so they don't make a mess in your trunk.
74.Hide your MP3 player inside it so nobody will want it enough to steal it from your car.
75.Use a big pile for bulldozer driving practice since to save on valuable dirt.
76.Stick on poles by the side of isolated roads to give red necks something else to shoot at besides signs.
77.Use as mile markers on abandoned roads.
78.Tear out pages to use at gas station as gloves to keep stinky gasoline off hands.
79.Put on top surfaces of car when hail storms are predicted.
80.Truck bug shield/deflector.
81.Cover unsightly road kill.
82.Scrape unsightly road kill off fender.
83.Help to justify to yourself that the roadkill didn't feel it, and now it's in a better place (well, visibly several places), else use it to justify that the roadkill didn't have a soul, so it's OK to kill it, whatever works for you.
84.Use in the middle of the road as those little bumpy things to let you know you're headed into oncoming traffic.
85.Put on roadside railing so cars aren't scratched up as badly when they bump into it.
86.In hell: Pave the roads.
87.Screw all your "hands free" cell phone accessories to it and use as a weight to keep it still on your passenger seat.
88.Tape page over broken reflector and scribble on with a red marker to avoid "fix it" tickets.
89.Dashboard cover.
90.Floor mats.
91.Replacement ash tray.
92.Seat cover.
93.Glue to dashboard and use to stick letters in on the way to post office.
94.A base for your plastic Jesus.
95.Screw under a bus so kids who run in front can read their last rites as they're being crushed.
96.Glue a bunch under your car to quiet road noise.
97.Line bulldozer bucket with them to keep it clean.
98.Stick on top of car as luggage rack.
99.Stick on sides of car to prevent shopping cart dings.
100.Chain together and use as caterpillar treads.
101.Temporary stand-in for broken motor mount.
102.Use as odometer. Secure to pole and drag behind car. Measure distance by how much is left.
103.Pile in the road to stop cars when you've run out of gas.
104.Use as fans to circulate fresh air after you've left an engine running in the garage all night.

Camping With Bibles
105.A useful tissue vending device for behind the bushes.
106.Something to read when you're constipated.
107.A campfire starting device.
108.Camping pillow.
109.Use to mark your trail when lost in forest.
110.Use to fill in latrine holes.
111.Cover several with aluminum foil and place in a pit to make a solar oven.
112.Use as weights to keep the tent from blowing away.
113.Something to put that hot lantern on.
114.Line bottom of fire pit so you don't hurt tree roots.
115.Soak in orange oil, toss into outhouse hole to reduce funk.
116.Rolling into tubes to siphon gas or sewage from RV's.
117.Stick under camper jacks for more surface area in soft soil.
118.Stick under camper jacks on uneven surface where they can't level properly.
119.Keep in bottom of trash bag tied around tree so it doesn't flap around and spew papers in the breeze.
120.Some place to put the coffee pot.
121.A mini-bar for the inevitable drinking.
122.Use under your gasoline powered blender to keep it from falling over.
123.Use several under your tent to have a flat, insulated surface to sleep on.
124.Make bible camping furniture.
125.Something to keep you warm when the wood runs out.
126.Something to put the fondue smudge pots on when warming some grub.
127.Something to put under the camp stove to keep it level.
128.Something to soak in yummy smelling goop like honey or peanut butter, and place outside the camp tied to a string with some bells as a bear detector.

Bibles At The Office
129.At the office, glue your portable music gadget to it and nobody will carry it off.
130.Use as an example of indexing documentation that you want followed to the last naming convention to make all your engineers/programmers quit so you don't have to lay them off and pay benefits.
131.Take to work and hug it and rock gently while at meetings until they stop making you come.
132.Rip page out and use to test copy machine.
133.Keep on your desk at the office so nobody tells you any off-color jokes at all, no matter how funny they are.
134.An ergonomic adjustment to put a phone better into reach.
135.An ergonomic adjustment to put a monitor at eye level.
136.An ergonomic adjustment to put mouse/pad into easier reach.
137.Cut down and paste pages together to make paper tape for antique computer.
138.Cut down and paste pages together thickly to use as punch card for antique computer.
139.Carve into a return address stamp for your mail.
140.A Microsoft User Guide (couldn't do much worse than the real thing).
141.Refill your inkjet cartridges over the top of it so you don't get any on the desk.
142.Computer Tower Heightener.
143.Packing Material.
144.Paperweight.
145.Build a computer chassis out of them.
146.Dry erase marker eraser sheets.
147.Grease pencil eraser sheets.
148.Divide up contents of shipping carton with them.
149.Pull pages out for soft packing.
150.Put under water cooler to collect spills.
151.Use pages to line disgusting inside of office microwave that you don't even want in proximity to something you're about to eat. Don't dare clean it or it'll be your job.
152.Put under insulated coffee carafe which always has some spills.
153.Put on top of your lunch in the fridge so nobody eats it. At least nobody religious.
154.Put under your lunch in the fridge for same reason as lining the microwave.
155.Use to mash unidentifiable and ancient contents in office fridge/freezer back to make room for your food.

Bibles And Children
156.Use similar method as 'Magic 8-Ball' to name a baby. "My name is 'overweening'!".
157.Use to make a big fort for kids to play in (make sure they don't read it though).
158.Booster seat for small children.
159.Teach small children to yell out random verses in public.
160.Teach children the literal meaning of the sexual and violent bits. Who can say you're contributing to their delinquency when you're giving them proper bible lessons?
161.Wave at children and threaten them with damnation and hell-fire if they don't behave.
162.Use as justification to beat a small child all the while telling them it is for their own salvation. (spare the rod...).
163.Use to store used diapers in.
164.Use large volume as changing table.
165.Use to mop up changing messes.
166.Put in empty toy boxes for children's Christmas presents instead of toys to find out which tradition is more important.
167.Send to regions suffering famine instead of something to eat.
168.Names for children. Cause a lifetime of insecurity by naming your boy 'Nebuchnezzer'.
169.Rip out the insides, draw faces on the covers and use them as hand puppets.
170.Use as a corrective device for wayward children: "You kids quiet down or I'll read you a bible chapter and make you answer questions!".
171.Weigh down a bag you're drowning babies in.
172.Disposable baby bib.
173.Seat raiser for children.
174.Stick under playground sand instead of ground up old tires.
175.Line area around baby's highchair to keep spatter under control.
176.Secure to crib rails which are not the correct distance.
177.Give to young child to take to school and find out what his peers really feel about religion.
178.Make your child pray at school even if he/she has to stop the class to make time for it, and even if he/she is teased and beat up for it. It will “build character”.
179.Make your child dress differently from all the other kids at school for “religious reasons”. Again, to build character.
180.Give him a funny haircut “like Jesus would want you to have”. Yep, character.
181.Save cash on inoculations! Tell them you're against all that because of religious beliefs.
182.Now that your child is not allowed to attend public school, you can home-school him/her! What this means is you play gospel music and read the bible again and again and memorize it... sort of like those kids in Afghanistan and Pakistan with that other “good book”.
183.Strap to unruly teenagers pretending to drown int eh swimming pool as flotation.

Cooking With Bibles
184.A pot holder.
185.Something to put hot pans on.
186.Tape together pages to make a bib so you don't soil your clothing eating spare ribs.
187.Napkins for barbecue pork feeds.
188.Potato masher.
189.Use as an oven mitt.
190.Use as butcher paper for small cuts of pork.
191.Use as a chopping block.
192.Use as sandwich wrap.
193.Disposable junk food containers by scooping out paper similar design.
194.As an alternative to newspaper for fish & chips.
195.Pull hunks of pages out and use to make bible tea.
196.Grind up and sprinkle on your salad for a low-calorie snack.
197.Grind up and mix with the salt to keep it from sticking to save rice.
198.As something for tesla coil to arc to.
199.When you don't have any charcoal starter around, cut both top and bottom out of a large coffee can, tear the pages out and crumple them in the bottom, stack charcoal on top. Tip can slightly (or make holes in edges with a 'church key') and ignite paper.
200.If you don't have a can, use two bibles facing each other to form a box.
201.When you don't have any charcoal around, just use the bibles and some firewood.
202.When you don't have any firewood around...
203.Use to scrape up french fry grease.
204.Use under hibachi to keep patio clean.
205.Use to line floor and walls around deep frier to catch splashing grease.
206.Use for breaking stale cookies.
207.Wrap ice in a bag and use this to smash it.
208.Use for cleaning large griddle/grill tables.
209.Put on top of blender to keep lid on.
210.Snack tray.
211.Microwave bacon in it to keep the grease from spattering.
212.Stick under barbecue to catch whatever drips out before it hits your patio.
213.Stick over barbecue lid holes to regulate flow of air while smoking pork.
214.Something to eat, with a little ketchup.
215.Something to make someone eat after they knock on your door at 6:00am to ask if you know Jesus.
216.Recycle into Happy Meal cartons.
217.Recycle into Happy Meal ingredients.
218.Ingredient for paper wrapped chicken.
219.Make sacred fruit roll-ups.
220.Line bottom of broiler pan with wet pages for easier clean-up.
221.Emergency coffee filters.

Bibles And The Environment
222.Wildlife resource. Leave open outdoors so birds and rodents can have nesting material.
223.Use to fill in coal pits, put topsoil on and make into parks.
224.Recycle into useful books, newspaper, cardboard and other consumer products.
225.Use at super-fund sites to sop up chemicals.
226.Cover toxic waste containers with bibles so they're harder to poke holes in.
227.Liner for radioactive waste disposal.
228.Wasps can make colonies out of its sheets.
229.Damn a river with it. Can be taken either way.
230.Termite food.
231."ready-homes' for Paper wasps.
232.Forest management: use pages to mark trees to be cut (presumably to make more paper).
233.Make helmets for baby seals so they're harder to club.
234.Make harpoon-proof whale armor.
235.Build walls of them around rain forests to keep superstitious peasants from burning them for farm land.
236.Build walls along road-sides so you can log the last twenty yard veneer of trees left so motorists wouldn't notice that all of the trees are missing, or complain about the desolate view.
237.Make zodiac power boats out of them.
238.Launch a trillion into orbit to fill ozone holes.
239.Use to sop up oil spills.
240.Use pages to clean oil-soaked wildlife.
241.Tie lots of bibles together to make a floating oil barrier.
242.Line oil tankers hull with bibles for better protection from breaching.
243.Tie lots to tugboats and drag through polluted streams to soak up excess pollutants.
244.To shore up the sides of your sand excavation to prevent collapse.
245.Duct tape to the top of your head and sprinkle with bird seed.

Bible Games
246.A 'Magic Eight Ball' (open it to a random page with your eyes closed, point somewhere on the page, open eyes, read it: "Revealed Truth"!).
247.Gigantic building blocks. Make a fort out of bibles. Make sure it's a no stupid atheist club too.
248.For family-night fun, read passages backwards and see if demons appear. Then invite them to stay for dinner.
249.Use as a brake on a soap box racer.
250.Play a game with a Jewish and Muslim friend. Beat each other over the head with each's respective holy book. Last man standing wins.
251.Bowling for Bibles.
252.Bobbing for Bibles.
253.Hit the Bible with a stick.
254.Hit the Bible with a big rock.
255.Useful for dislodging balls from the trees your kids got stuck up there.
256.Tie a string to it and use it as a hammer toss.
257.Take three and use them as weights for a bolo.
258.Alls I'm sayin' is: Tether-bible.
259.Remove various words to produce biblical Mad-Libs.
260.Bases for sand lot baseball.
261.Make slinky stairs.
262.Use as hockey puck.
263.Use as a curling stone.
264.Use as a shuffle board discs.
265.Use as horseshoes post.
266.Use as a cricket bat.
267.Dart board.
268.Pool table shims when adjusting slabs to true.
269.Pool table shims under legs to get perfect level on uneven floor.
270.Grind finely for chalk for use to keep cue from sticking to sweaty hands.
271.Cut it up to make jig-saw puzzles.
272.Use as moral compass. Float in a tub and put answers to your question on sticky notes around the rim. Ask it the question, spin it, do what it points at.
273.Use as hopscotch stone.
274.Use as checkers on giant checker board (there are red editions).
275.Make origami chess pieces from the pages. Paste squares onto cover to make board.
276.Tear pages out and mark up to make spare monopoly currency.
277.Carve out middle to make blackjack shoe.
278.Carve gouges to keep poker chips.
279.Use as 'safe' spot for hide & seek.
280.Mark goal for soccer.
281.Replace broken basketball backstop.
282.Make dice cup for Yahtzee from cover.

Gardening With Bibles
283.Compost.
284.Use as alternative to expensive fecal matter for something to drop on a fan.
285.Biodegradable seedling tray.
286.Biodegradable flower pot from five copies.
287.Build Bookhenge as an outdoor calendar.
288.Keep under weed whacker when pouring gasoline.
289.Use lots in back yard to make a temporary patio.
290.Use to grow mushrooms on.
291.Mulch them up and hope they grow back into the trees they came from.
292.Add salt and use for snail killer.
293.Put under scarecrow's arm to make it a missionary.
294.Throw onto a field to clear mines.
295.Line bottom of flower box so it doesn't rot through as quickly.
296.Spike together and use as a retaining wall for landscaping.
297.Put under wheelbarrow stands to keep from digging into grass.
298.Use to wrap garden hose around.
299.Use to line rock garden to keep weeds down.
300.Pour on water and seeds: CHIA bible.
301.Use instead of bricks for garden seperators
302.Use as weed whacker stop while cutting along borders
303.Use as hoe blade for loose soil.
304.Cut gaps through it and use as rake.
305.Line the hole in the ground with sprinkler valves to insulate and keep dirt from caving in.
306.Make an outdoor cover for sprinkler controls meant for 'inside' that don't stand up to sunlight well.
307.Wrap outdoor faucets/pipes with bibles to keep from freezing.
308.Use as label for apple tree seedlings.
309.A place to put watering bucket on so it doesn't leave a ring on the table.
310.Build shelves in green house from stacked bibles and planks.
311.Something for the beans to climb.
312.Use as a shovel to dig up potatoes.
313.Line furrows dug to irrigate.
314.Place under watermelons, pumpkins and other such things as they grow so they don't get a big dirty spot under them.
315.Lay down around new plantings to keep weeds under control.
316.Wire several around young trees to keep small animals from chewing them down.

Bibles For The Handy Man
317.A drill stop (so you don't ruin your bench drilling through awkward things).
318.A soldering iron stand.
319.A soldering iron tip cleaner.
320.Use between vise and wood to keep from marring surface.
321.Use as hammer to beat wood plugs into holes.
322.Use behind sheet metal to beat dings out.
323.Replace broken counterweight in washing machine.
324.Keep bare wires separated during your unnatural experiments.
325.Use as a shim when balancing a door.
326.Use as fulcrum for shifting large rocks.
327.Use to "stop" spinning power tools.
328.Use as bricks to build chicken house.
329.Use as bricks to build outhouse.
330.Wallpaper! Show you decorate with the taste of gods! Paper all your walls with bible pages. I'm sure most people would be speechless.
331.Insulation. Why shred perfectly good newsprint when we have "good books" with acid-free paper to shred and stuff in the walls and attic spaces?
332.Use to keep garage/roll-up doors ajar for ventilation.
333.Carve up inner pages to make battery storage for dead batteries. Hey! Maybe Jesus will recharge 'em!
334.Stack many on warped board to attempt to flatten it.
335.Use as convenient standard of reference when making up your own unit system [Note: The bible is not a proper SI unit. You'll have to convert to grams].
336.Cut up cover and use as pump primer gasket.
337.Use to screed freshly poured concrete or plaster.
338.Use as something to rest the 'third wheel' of a trailer on when you jack it down.
339.Use as foundation pilings for temporary structures.
340.Build a clock. Use cover as case. Carve out pages and glue them together about 100 pages thick with epoxy, then carve out gears, cylinders, pendulum, escapement, etc. Add a chain and the rest of the leftovers balled up into weights on the ends to drive it.
341.Use lots bolted together as a trebuchet counterweight.
342.Use to build a fence between your home and that of an annoying religious neighbor.
343.Use to catch solvent so it doesn't ruin anything important.
344.Use to put greasy car parts on to keep the floor clean.
345.Use as temporary braces when jacking up something heavy.
346.Put toilet/parts on them when you replace wax gasket.
347.Carve/drill/cut holes through it, then make it into a fish house.
348.Use several pages to remove a hot light bulb.
349.Feed a few pages into the garbage disposal once a week to keep it clean.
350.Screwdriver holder (drill holes most of the way through, stick screwdrivers in).
351.Other small tool holder.
352.Counterweight for pulley.
353.Grout.
354.Soak in chemicals and use as litmus paper.
355.Soak in different chemicals and make into a home pregnancy test kit. "She peed on it and the cross turned blue! Do you have the number for an abortion clinic?".
356.Use space between pages as handy envelopes for forensic evidence.
357.Use to test heavy-duty paper choppers.
358.Use as catapult/trebuchet test loads to get the range right and save valuable rocks.
359.Use to evaluate mulching lawnmower.
360.Toss pages in with sawdust to keep it from blowing around.
361.Use pages instead of plastic wrap to block air intrusion on cheaply made home.
362.Cover your wood deck with bibles to keep snow from piling up on timber and wetting it.
363.Mount bibles around a hub at angles, evenly so they balance, and turn with a motor for a ceiling fan.
364.Form a box from several bibles with their pages facing inwards loosely, several bibles deep, secured with duct tape. Get some water misters and mount them pointing toward the paper. Mount large fan over the top, pipe air output into home. Instant swamp cooler.
365.Ground and put in a prominent position in a thunderstorm and use as a lightning rod.
366.Glue together to form an arcade machine cabinet to play MAME games in.
367.Use as tamping for general demolition.
368.Line inside of reactor chamber with gilded bibles as radiation shielding.
369.Use as 'flaws' to put into manufactured diamonds.
370.Push down stove pipe to clean it.
371.Shingles.
372.Backstop for awl.
373.Use under awkward item when sawing.
374.Router template for small rounded cornered object.
375.Use as something to hammer on.
376.Sweep out rain gutters.
377.Use to keep pieces of fissionable material apart to prevent reaching critical mass by accident.
378.Use as air conduit cleaner.
379.Push big pile in front of lava flow to try to stop it.
380.Put under generator so vibrations aren't transmitted into house through floor.
381.Use to break glass without cutting yourself.
382.Lay open under leaky sink to protect cabinets.
383.Use loosely open pages as air filter.
384.Use to park your air compressor on so it doesn't 'walk' when it's running.
385.Fill abandoned wells.
386.Secure to wall to give bicycles and other awkward items something to lean on.
387.SDI/NMD test targets.
388.Line cesspit to keep dirt clean.
389.Use as chock to keep log from rolling.
390.Levitate in superconducting magnets instead of frogs. I think it said to do so in 'Leviticus'.
391.Glue over holes in broken windows to keep the draft out.
392.Put under old paint/chemical cans so any seepage will be soaked up.
393.Use pages to test your shredder.
394.Use instead of hay bales for building a house.
395.Use to clean chainsaw chain on top of.
396.Use to clean bicycle/motorcycle chain on top of.
397.Use as an alternative resource to AOL/MSN disks.
398.Glue under creaky stairs.
399.Stick between creaky floor boards and joists.
400.Soak and hang in furnace duct as a humidifier.
401.Something to wedge in the gears to stop a machine.
402.Something to whack a stopped machine with.
403.Something to dislodge things stuck in the wood chipper.
404.Drill a hole halfway through, pour oil in it until it doesn't soak any more and stick it on a pole to use as a tiki torch.
405.Nail several to a tree to make rungs to tree house.
406.Use as hydraulic splitter. Soak with water, and cram several into a crack in some rock, then let it freeze overnight.
407.Line cellar plastic before burying foundation wall to keep it from being punctured by rocks.
408.Use to fill in the gaps while building a breakwater.
409.Tie to bell clangor to mute it's racket.
410.Stuff into loudspeaker to mute it's racket.
411.When finishing, use pages to sand final bit of varnish to get that extra smoothness.
412.Open and dump screws and small parts from device you're disassembling in it so they don't roll away.
413.Use to wrap rope around.
414.Use to wrap extension cord around.
415.Converting to nitrocellulose, stuffing into a pipe, strapping to the roof of your car and igniting.

Bibles For Health And Safety
416.Tissues for sneezing into.
417.Improve posture. Balance on head.
418.Emergency "sanitary napkins" for women.
419.Toilet Paper
420.Read to put yourself to sleep. Drug free.
421.Weight to press upon a newborns skull to achieve a more pleasing shape.
422.Somewhere to wipe your boogers off of your hands.(ewwww).
423.If you are an insomniac, reading Genesis 5 (And Cainan begat Malahiel, and Malahiel begat Jared, and Jared begat Enoch, and Enoch begat....) is better than counting sheep!
424.Use two on a toilet seat that's too dirty to touch.
425.Use to sop up armpit sweat.
426.Carve a hollow out, and you have a convenient port-a-potty when you're trapped on a vehicle... and TP.
427.Use as something to rest your head on when you're vomiting up an evening's drinking excesses; it's somewhat cleaner than a toilet seat physically if not metaphorically.
428.Wipe the Wizzzzzz from your chin. . . .
429.Barbell.
430.Balance on your head to work on perfect posture.
431.Pop zits into it so you don't dirty a mirror.
432.Use as something to catch blood until you find a bandade.
433.Fart in it to mask offensive odors.
434.Special tissues and strong protective box. with god's help, you needn't ever blow your nose again.
435.Use to clench teeth on when doing emergency survival surgery in the woods.
436.A very confusing 'How to ' guide to DIY clitorectomy.
437.Load lots on a fire truck and use to smother flames.
438.Use to break glass on flaming skyscraper... hope you brought enough parachutes for everyone.
439.Fend off people who are trying to get your parachute.
440.Lay a few dozen under the mattress for back support.
441.Keep under your shirt for the one chance in a billion it will stop a bullet. It won't, really, but just in case...
442.Roll pages to use as tampons.
443.Roll pages and scotch tape to use as condoms (on a roll here).
444.Stack up to make a brace to hold back pancaking floors from above.
445.First Aid: Use to block a "sucking wound".
446.Use as something other than your foot to stick in a door.
447.Use as a butt plug for someone who has unstoppable gas.
448.Attach accelerometer and drop out of airplane as lesson to skydivers everywhere.
449.Something to rest your arm on while getting blood drawn.
450.(Small one) Something to squeeze when giving blood.
451.(Small one) Rip all pages out, keep deck of cards in.
452.(Small one) Rip all pages out, put your smokes in so they don't get crumpled in your pocket.
453.Use as splint for broken hand.
454.Use as splint for broken foot.
455.Use as splint for broken finger (Small one).
456.Use as splint for a child's broken arm/leg.
457.Soak in water, put in bag, keep in freezer in case you need cold compress.
458.Path to interior peace. You need fiber in your diet.
459.Generate a migraine headache when 'top 1001' list turns out to have only 938, including uncategorizable and duplicate entries.
460.Hearing Protection: Tape two to each side of your head before going to Vancouver strip clubs.
461.To strap to your feet before fire walking.
462.To soak up spilled gasoline before the lava ignites it.
463.Use as insulation while you cut the return wire from the electric train.
464.Use as insulation while you attach jumper cables to the high voltage wires.
465.Use as radiation shields when warming yourself at nuclear fuel canisters.
466.Roll up to make a snorkel to prevent suffocation while boob diving.
467.Draw shipping lanes on them and use as charts.
468.Pile up round the outside of a trampoline to protect your neck from injury.
469.Pile underneath you to prevent injury if your hoisting mechanism fails while your penis and testicles are restrained.
470.Use as padding on ski hill towers to replace the foam padding you're using as a toboggan.
471.Block off defective high rise building window frames before shoulder barging.
472.Throw down laundry/garbage chutes to jam the machinery before sliding down.

Arts, Crafts And Bibles
473.Something for children to scribble in.
474.Construction material for paper dolls, airplanes, etc.
475.A press for flowers and other things.
476.Line all walls from floor to ceiling with bibles to make an acoustically isolated chamber.
477.Use two copies of the same odd edition as an encryption device. Send messages in the form of page/line/word. Don't use words near either end. More secure with *other* books.
478.Confetti.
479.Perfect storage place for a rock hammer should you ever need to break out of Shawshank. Salvation lies within!
480.Tracing paper.
481.Oragami paper.
482.Glue the pages together (soak in dilute glue?), use for carving a sculpture.
483.Divine paper airplanes. Do they fly farther?
484.Papier Mache!
485.Paper floats (when dry) make white water rafts! See how long you can last before they break up. The 'word' will bouy you up!
486.Another piece of scrap for the baby to scribble on rather than have her scribble on the walls/floor/me.
487.Hollow partially, attach catgut, make guitar.
488.Use to mash bugs between pages for an entomological display.
489.If it has 'acid' paper, soak in water and try to do the potato battery experiment with it.
490.Carve hollows in a specific pattern and secure shut securely, put small balls and springs in, apply water pressure and make a simple fluidic computer.
491.Use as a palette when painting.
492.Tear pages out and paste together to make cheap canvas.
493.Clean brushes on it.
494.Make origami drinking cup from page.
495.Decoupage.
496.Hollow out and stick cheap quartz clock movement in it when you get tired of trying to fashion gears from home-made cardboard.
497.Using the epoxy carving bible use mentioned earlier, fashion an idol to worship in satanic rituals.
498.Use as counterweights in animated sculpture.
499.Laser test backdrop.
500.Something to try to fill a black hole with.
501.Make seat for underwater basket weaving class.
502.Use as components in a water clock.
503.Use as a gnomon on a sundial (that's the angled thing that sticks out and casts the shadow).
504.Stick in a time capsule with a phone book as an example for people in the future... of a book more boring to read than the phone book.
505.Use pages between tin foil for home-made capacitors.
506.Use as tablet to pour iron filings on to play with magnets.
507.Paper candles.
508.Paper balloon candles.
509.Use pages to mix fireworks (pour powder ingredients on and tip/rock back and forth gently).
510.Use under magnifying glass for zapping bugs, so you don't leave any marks on the concrete.
511.Origami.
512.Use as a base to prototype electronic gadgets on by pounding nails in and wire wrapping on them like terminals.
513.Do same inside out when you're done prototyping to make a project box. Potentiometer and switch mounting should be secure enough through a cardboard cover.
514.Use as a "proof the world is round" by tying to a string to it and dropping it down a well at noon, and measuring the angle of the sun's shadow, then going to another well further north or south and measuring the sun's shadow at local noon in that at the same depth, then apply trigonometry given the distance between the wells to determine the approximate size of the Earth.
515.Use as feet for walking robot.
516.Stick springy piece of metal with knob on it, screw to make a Morse code sender.
517.Stick old relay for a Morse receiver.
518.Put conference phone parts in so at least the words come from someone.
519.Use to patch your accordion.
520.Use as a case for your triangle.
521.Use as something to put your cello point on so you don't scratch the floor.
522.Use as scratch to practice your graffiti on.
523.Use to shape pottery on wheel.
524.Give people who can't count something to do.
525.Poke hole through cover and use as pinhole lens.

Bibles For The Holidays
526.Tear up for New Years party favors.
527.Bang on as New Years party noise makers.
528.Try to figure out how many racial problems have had religion used as an excuse on Dr. Martin Luther King Junior's birthday.
529.Burn and use as ash for Ash Wednesday.
530.Hide in bushes at Easter instead of eggs and candy to delight the children.
531.Shred and use as Easter grass in their baskets.
532.Amusing firework: Plant M80 or sheet of firecrackers in the middle, shut, light.
533.Next September 11, consider how “Holy Scripture” is used in the real world.
534.Something to put your jack-o-lantern on top of.
535.Tear out pages and use as hand outs to little punks at Halloween.
536.Cut holes through and use as a scary Halloween mask.
537.Stocking Stuffers.
538.Wrapping Paper.
539.Christmas tree (rip cover off, fold page corner once, twice, (like simple paper airplane) repeat for each page. Spray-paint green and hang some tiny decorations on it.
540.Excellent Christmas presents. Collect them from every hotel you visit, then wrap up and give to everyone on your gift list. Everyone loves em!(they have 1001 uses after all).
541.Glue several together as Christmas tree stand.
542.Grind for fake snow.
543.Stick inside light-weight Christmas decorations to keep them from blowing away.
544.Glue to Christmas decorations so nobody will want them.
545.Use as interface between roof-top decorations and your roof.
546.Something to string lights on.

Bibles Around The Household
547.A drink coaster.
548.A doorstop.
549.A paperweight.
550.A fly swatter.
551.A can crusher (larger editions).
552.A stepping stool for things just... out... of... reach...
553.A mouse trap (wedge open balancing delicately with popsicle stick/coffee stirrer, attach bait to string to stick... or rub bait on stick, anything which tries to take bait will cause book to shut).
554.A man trap (wedge above slightly ajar door).
555.A sponge to sop up a leak.
556.A place to put your joystick on while playing Quake.
557.Something to glue things on top of so you don't ruin your desk/counter.
558.Something to put some place so you can leave your keys/glasses/things on it and remember where they are.
559.Something to stack small noisy devices on so they don't reverberate on the desktop.
560.Fuel for the Fireplace (Is the Holy Fire, Holy Enough??).
561.CD Holder.
562.Use to "align" wobbly table.
563.Absorbent papers good for spills.
564.Use under air conditioner to catch drippings.
565.Clip a 'clip-on' fan to one to make the fan more portable.
566.Cut to fit hot tub filter chamber. Drill hole through and attach stick with washers. Use to prime hot tub jet pump when you change the water.
567.Use as weather device: Place outside. If it's dry, it's nice out. If it casts a shadow, it's sunny. If it's wet, it's raining. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If it's dusty, there's a dust storm. If its pages are flipping around, the wind is blowing. If it's white, it's snowing. If it's jumping around, there's an earthquake. If it's under water, there's a flood.
568.Use as cork board for posting notes.
569.Scratch paper (use large colored pen for notes) Some Bibles come with a 'Notes' section, but most of the pages can be used for notes if you write large enough with a thick enough pen.
570.CD holder for your favorite heavy metal music.
571.Photo album: just paste the pictures to the pages.
572.Photo storage: keep those photos free from crinkles.
573.Fly Swatter.
574.Stack several in the bottom of your trash can every week to keep them from blowing away.
575.Use in toilet tank to displace some volume and save water.
576.Hollow out and make a bowl to scoop from toilet bowl to make "holy" water (may require plastic lining, gloves highly recommended).
577.Hollow out and put on pedestal outdoors to make a bird bath (may require plastic lining).
578.Use as insulation between space heater and a nice floor.
579.Pull apart and use cover as a mouse pad.
580.If there's a lot of gilding, connect to radio with an alligator clip and use it as an antenna.
581.Food tray.
582.Throw at thermostat to try to change the temperature but too lazy to get up.
583.Something to throw in front of a heater vent when it gets too hot and the thermostat is broken.
584.Window prop.
585.Use to prop up your stinky feet.
586.Stack in a window sill that has been broken.
587.Use while brushing teeth to keep sink clean.
588.Use some under the a scale so you can use it on carpet.
589.Use to fan a fire.
590.Pull pages out and use to clean inside of aquarium.
591.Cigar box.
592.Tear into strips, weave place mats (Kinda like if Martha Stewart was an atheist).
593.A leveler for the card table at the family reunion poker game. . . .
594.Pull pages out and make a hand fan.
595.Surround noisy dot matrix printer with them to make an acoustical barrier.
596.Make a BIBLE CHAIR and charge people money to be cured by sitting on it.
597.Make a whole bible furniture set. Cinderblocks have better uses than furniture.
598.Stand on it, and feel higher.
599.Pull cover off and use as duster/dust mop.
600.Emergency coffee filters.
601.Glue to sides of a tall full-tower computer chassis as stabilizers.
602.Build decorative lamp.
603.A model of the globe from a religious perspective.
604.When cleaning a firearm, clean on top of open bible so the chemicals and oils don't get on anything important.
605.Rifle bore cleaners.
606.Glue to wall as a door stop.
607.Use as place to stack remote controls on.
608.Leave on coffee table as a place to put your feet without dirtying the table.
609.Use as spacer behind furniture to keep it from rubbing on walls.
610.Glue/tape together to make decorative beer cooler.
611.Something to put wet hot tub cover on.
612.Glue lots of these together to make a hot tub cover.
613.Extra insulation around hot tub installed in ground.
614.Use to dial in rifle scope.
615.Use as sub-woofer power test. Place on top. Turn volume up. Play something with a lot of "boom". See if it jumps off.
616.Use as weights to keep your mobile home from flying away in a tornado.
617.Use as ballast to keep mobile home upright when floating down the river.
618.Stack under furniture and appliances when a flood threatens.
619.Use as sandbag filler.
620.Cover windows for hurricane.
621.Use as ballast in tuned mass dampers (active earthquake building stabilizing devices).
622.Stuff in walls around loose pipes that rattle or go "clunk".
623.Water heater blanket.
624.Use as scrubber when getting stains or goo off floor.
625.Use paper edge to get sticker goo off newly purchased widgets.
626.Use to separate stored firewood so it dries evenly.
627.Stack around a UPS that beeps loudly with no off switch.
628.Put under cheap battery powered 'kinetic sculpture' so it doesn't make a 'tap... tap... tap' sound on the table.
629.Stuff in your luggage to keep impacts from breaking fragile things.
630.Something to put candles on top of to keep the melty wax off the table.
631.Add borax to bible and it's termite/wasp control.
632.Use in bulk to absorb water from basement flooding.
633.Level out that wobbly desk.
634.Use as door knocker to disturb door knockers.
635.Use as 'window treatment' on ends of curtain rods.
636.Use pieces of cover as balancing weights on a ceiling fan.
637.Chain together to make heavy 'Goth' curtains.
638.Candy box.
639.Coat with glue and use as mouse traps.
640.Tape alternate pages together and use as CD case.
641.Grind up, stuff in beanbag chair to save on beans.
642.Put under refrigerator pan to soak up overflows.
643.Paste pages together and poke holes in to use as player piano roll.
644.Use to patch antique oriental fan.
645.Make a lampshade.
646.Put pages in a tissue box with a c-fold so they keep dispensing.
647.
Institutional Bibles
648.Line the restroom floor so the tiles don't get wet.
649.Tissues for the next time a statue of the virgin Mary starts crying tears of blood.
650.When you shake toner out of a printer/copier part, do it over an bible. Nobody reads 'em anyway.
651.Aggregate for asphalt.
652.Filler for cheap concrete.
653.In place of an expensive urinal cake in a public restroom.
654.Sidewalks/pavement in a bird sanctuary.
655.Coffin liners.
656.Coffin pillow.
657.Pillow for cremating corpses.
658.Something to dissect/autopsy corpses on top of.
659.Use to clean or scrape off dumpster bottoms.
660.Use as dumpster liner to keep yucky stuff off.
661.Give to insane people in your asylum "as a comfort" so you can keep a good customer base going.
662.At the store, stack in a large box shape to have something to make a foundation for a 'pyramid of cans'.
663.Push under the doors to solitary confinement cells to make their punishment all the worse.
664.Screw to power poles so people who climb them can read their 'last rites' on the way back down.
665.Screw to phone booths so people have something else to tear pages out of.
666.Paste over graffiti.
667.Lay down on icy walk so sun can warm and soak up melted ice water.
668.Bury with sewer pipes to soak up leaks.
669.Bury under gas stations to soak up leaks.
670.Stick in confetti maker like they had at the Super Bowl.
671.Glue onto corners of cargo containers to keep them from getting dinged up in transit.
672.Coat walls, floor, ceiling with bibles to save on rubber padding, and don't forget to put the door lock on the wrong side.

Bibles At The Library
673.A bookend.
674.Leave on shelf as evidence that you're not totally 'evil' (for misguided people who believe having a bible is evidence of non-evil).
675.Decorative dust collector.
676.Take up space on your bookshelf.
677.To sit on the shelf looking like a book.
678.When stealing books, put bibles in their place so they aren't noticed missing.
679.Use pages as bookmarks into important reference manuals.
680.Use pages as bookmarks into magazines and periodicals.
681.Pad up your book count to an impressive number by filling a few shelves with surplus bibles.
682.Use to mark books which are checked out so you can sort out the shelf and leave room for the missing books.
683.Use pages to line bottoms of card catalog drawers.
684.Tear covers off and use to restore books which are useful for the information they contain.
685.Use as bookworm/infestation detector by leaving one behind every shelf and routinely pulling them out and cutting up bindings.
686.Put under stacked books in the basement so more important books aren't damaged by leaks.

Bibles For Boating
687.How many bibles does it take to sink a barge? Let's find out.
688.Use as ballast to stabilize bilge contents.
689.Tie them to a rope at specific distances to measure maritime motion in 'knots'.
690.Use small ones as a sinker for fishing. If there's 'golden' printing it can act as a lure, too.
691.A sack-full tied to a body will drag it to the bottom of the lake.
692.Boat Anchor.
693.Use to weigh down chum you're feeding to sharks.
694.Line your shark cage with them to demonstrate how ungodly god's creatures are.
695.Tie to rope and see how deep lake is.
696.Ballast for boats.
697.Use to scrape barnacles off a hull.
698.Use as replacement tiller on a small boat.
699.Use as replacement rudder on a small boat.
700.Use to patch a small hole in your boat.
701.String together and secure to buoys to mark swimming areas.
702.Use as improvised canoe paddle.
703.Use on wet row boat bench to keep your butt dry.
704.Dip page into gas tank to measure amount left.
705.Use to beat fish to death if they won't stop flopping.
706.Something to “clean” fish on.
707.Duct tape together to make a shark proof surf board.
708.Build a shark feeding viewing platform on a rotting whale.

Bibles And Money
709.Free gold dust(scrap off the gilding).
710.Use as a money-making device, like a 'legal' Ponzie scam. As long as it's a religion, worshiping by sending "ME" money is legal and tax free.
711.Destroy excess copies to make other bibles more valuable. Corner the market on recycled pulp!
712.Use as basis for cult. Rollin' in the money!
713.Sell and buy a good book.
714.Start a cult, use as a mind-dulling task to do 24/7 until your new recruits are mentally exhausted and numbed to the point where they will agree to anything. Make sure they deed over all of their possessions so they're dependent on the cult for their livelihood. You just depend on it for disposable income.
715.Give your lawyer time to think by arguing the toss over swearing to tell the truth by pointing out to the judge and jury what a pointless waste of time swearing on the bible is.
716.TAX FREE INCOME! Claim you're a faith healer. Hold bible in one hand, smack sick people with the other. Charge money for it. It's not YOUR fault if they aren't healed: "They didn't have enough faith.".
717.When stealing emergency rations for pocket change, use bibles to keep the weight up in the boxes so nobody notices... judgment day is coming and all those preparations will avail ye naught!
718.Crush under incredible pressure to make valueless jewels.
719.Burn first and crush blackened ashes under incredible pressure to make diamonds.
720.Tell people the ink contains trace amounts of special chemicals and market them as a new homeopathic remedy.
721.Use pages to separate categories of tax forms.
722.Roll coins in the pages.
723.Go to "bible college" and learn about little else besides this book and get a "college degree", then join the military and become an officer 'instantly'. (A lot easier than becoming an officer through ROTC or taking courses in mathematics and engineering or management.) Now you can boss people around and the have to do what you tell them to (within reason) because they could go to prison if they don't. If you have no scruples at all, the sky's the limit for you once you're in.
724.Bad at science? Bad at math? Bad at reading comprehension? Bad at every subject in school? Just learn ONE book and you can be recognized as an expert in ALL things! Now you can use this powerful skill to manipulate credulous people into literally handing you money on a silver tray! Just say what they want to hear, and they will keep giving!
725.Cite to support your claim that the end of the world is nigh (again), so everyone should be especially generous.

Bibles And Your Pets
726.Tear out pages and you have a useful pooper scooper.
727.Pet Bed.
728.Dog Fetch Toy.
729.A cat scratching post.
730.Pull toy for family dog.
731.Excellent liner for your gerbil's/bird's/hamster's cage. Simply shred and line.
732.Put in a pet cage to keep them company during a trip.
733.Put your fish bowl on top so condensation doesn't ruin your table.
734.Birdcage liner.
735.Wrapping dead goldfish in consecrated paper.
736.Use pages to wipe up excess drool on large/drooly dogs like Mastiffs.
737.Potty training Fido.
738.Something to give the damn dog to chew on so she stops pulling the leaves off of the palm trees in the garden.
739.Why stop at pooper-scooper? Use another as a poop receptacle for what you collected!
740.Line kitty litter box.
741.Hollow out a large one and use as a disposable litter box.
742.Build a bird house out of six!
743.Build a dog house out of rather more.
744.Build a dog/cat bed out of another pile.
745.Build cat climbing furniture out of lots more.
746.Use as scratching guard on wall edges and furniture that the cat prefers.
747.Offer up to cat who likes gnawing on the corner of your books while you read them.
748.Use as altar for small blood offerings.
749.Scoop paper out to make cat food/dog food bowl.
750.Hold ramp to chicken house out of the mud.
751.Chicken perches.
752.Hollow out for chicken nest.
753.Block up hen house windows when it's cold out.
754.Tie several to a net and use to drag across the yard to rake up doggy poo.
755.Line bottom of horse trailer to protect from droppings.
756.Line bottom of cattle trailer to protect from droppings.
757.Stand it up to distract cat while you're typing (hey it worked just now).
758.Lay a large one on the desk as a cat perch.
759.Attach leash and drag it behind you as a pet.
760.Names for pets. "Here Jesus! Fetch!"
761.Use five and a piece of glass to build a spider farm.
762.Tape together a bunch to build a rat maze.
763.Weigh down a bag you're drowning kittens in.
764.Weigh down a bag you're drowning puppies in.
765.Use as crueler alternative to piece of tape on kitty's toe.
766.Use as crueler alternative to rubber band kitty's tail.
767.Use as a cudgel on people who *actually* attach things to kitties/ puppies/babies.
768.Line scratched up door/gate with them so doggy doesn't claw straight through.
769.Glue one or two heavy ones under doggy's dish to keep it from tipping.
770.Use pages to tease cats.
771.Throwing at your dog to prevent him from returning to your new Lincoln Navigator with the lit stick of dynamite.
772.Slam two together onto a camel's balls in order to get it to run.

Bible Pranks
773.Somewhere to put used condoms (i.e. Gideon's at a Motel).
774.Hollow out and stash contraband in it.
775.Hollow out and stash 'Nanny Cam' in it.
776.Use in conjunction with a bible search engine to quickly and conveniently find words to piece together your "ransom note" type stationary.
777.Useful weapon against visiting Jehovah's Witnesses. No, literally a weapon, not something to back up your arguments with.
778.Drives people trying to convert you nuts when you quote it back at them.
779.Kids place to stash Porn.
780."Cover" for some other book you don't want others to know about.
781."Pamphlets".
782.Hollow it out for marijuana stash. Invite missionaries in, open bible and offer a toke.
783.Good for getting rid of annoying blind dates. Evaluate his/her dinner in terms of Levitical laws. Insist that you cannot sleep with a wo/man who eats creeping fowls.
784.Freak out room mate by reading bloodier passages aloud. Stare at him/her intently while doing so. 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live' works well.
785.Rip out text. Glue erotic literature in between covers. Swap with missionaries when their back is turned.
786.More fun with room mates! Read instructions for sacrificing animals aloud. Look at them intently and ask: "But where are we going to get a ram at this time of night?".
787.Highlight all contradictions. Swap bibles with visiting missionaries.
788.Most bibles are about the size of video cassettes. Hide your porn in one today!
789.Good source of cellulose for making stuff that goes bang! The 'word' is explosive.
790.Strew on rest home front steps to trip the residents.
791.Swap covers with the Satanic Bible. Swap bibles when annoying missionaries aren't looking.
792.Almost infinite supply of spit wads.
793.Useful science experiments. How many bibles on the track does it take to derail a train?
794.Wave threateningly. Watch hilarity ensue.
795.Hollow out, put digital playback widgets and flashing lights in, then add a latch. Paste up warnings over it that it contains trapped demons and nobody is to touch it. When opened, switch activates scary sounds.
796.Leave a bible used as a pooper-keeper or port-a-potty in a pew. That may be why they call 'em that.
797.Get rid of annoying Wiccan room mates.
798.Get rid of your room mate's annoying bird 'Oh, I needed it for a sin offering. Hey! Watch it or you'll make God mad!'.
799.Piss off a fundy! Tear a page out to read it when he gives it to you.
800.Use hotel copy to wipe up spills and accidents in the hotel bathroom.
801.Tell people that they're hell-bound if they piss you off.
802.Wanna really piss some people off? Throw one through a window in a Mosque.
803.Throw off bridge into oncoming traffic. When police arrest and question you, claim you were just doing the work of God (TM).
804.Why stop at receptacle for pooper scooper findings? After it becomes full, light on fire and put it on your favorite preacher's doorstep.
805.Stick a walky-talky inside one and tell people you're GOD from a place where you can see them and they can't see you.
806.Use as a means to justify knocking on someone's door at 6:00am on Saturday.
807.Convenient sugar substitute for similar automotive prank.
808.Use as a convenient thing to expectorate into while chewin' some chaw.
809.Stuff pages firmly into someone's muffler.
810.Just rip out and chew on a page in front of someone to make them stop talking.
811.Belch in it to mask offensive odors.
812.Build a robot for one of those robot-killing contests (OK remote control cars with spiky things) and put bibles all over it. Nobody would DARE hurt it... would they?
813.Carve out middle of a thick one and stick one of those little penny-grabbing banks in it.
814.Fashion an iron phallus and spear it through a bible, and get the government to pay money to exhibit it.
815.Drive other things through bibles and auction them to art nerds - well if Andy Warhol can do soup cans...
816.Mail them to violent offenders on their first strike with address, photo, and name of *someone, with a trite note about living right and giving up their sinful, vulgar ways, telling them what an awful person their mother was. (*Someone you don't like, that is.) Mark and highlight helpful sections about being a bad child.
817.Get a free punch in on every Christian you meet by showing them the turn the other cheek bit.
818.Use as bait to get all the Christians into space to fetch back all the bibles, then use their spines to make the elevator.
819.Build a modern day tower of babel out of bibles, so you can reach the heavens and get your free punch in on Jesus.
820.Use as rags in Molotov cocktails.
821.Soak in gasoline if you don't have any bottles.
822.Use instead of perfectly good rocks for 'peaceful protests'.
823.Drop in front of abortion clinics with a pipe bomb attached to show how much you care about innocent human life.
824.Use in comedy magic routine with chipper shredder instead of a bunny.
825.Cut cross out and carefully re-paste on upside-down to piss people off in church.
826.Give them to monkeys at zoo for alternative to what is normally thrown.
827.Install device to crush whoopee cushion when opened.
828.Attack to rear of car instead of cans at a wedding.
829.Grind finely and blow into a large chamber (like a grain elevator) and spark it for an undetectable explosive.
830.Hand them out outside a mosque and explain to each person that he or she will go to Hell - Oh that's been done.
831.Illustrate it by drawing stick figures of people involved in the procreative act where appropriate.
832.Use pages to stuff junk mail return envelopes.
833.Rat killer: Coat with peanut butter, put explosive inside, and throw out for rats. When they start eating, detonate charge electrically from safe distance.
834.As a practical joke, set it on the table next to a sleeping patient in the hospital, with a priest's sash, then carefully pull his sheet over his head. (I didn't say it was "nice".).
835.As a joke, pull all the pages out of someone's vital reference book and replace with bible pages.
836.As a less funny joke, do it to an in-flight emergency checklist.
837.Secretly toss several into the pile at a fundy book burning party and watch them burn their own books. Shoot video of it so you can show it later. Maybe on "America's Funniest Videos".
838.See how many can fill a dumpster, then don't bother to pull them out again.
839.... wait and see if the trash truck can move it.
840.See how many you can throw into a wood chipper at one time without bogging it down.
841.See how many it takes to jam a trash chute with them.

Recreational Bibles
842.Entertainment for boring days; throw it at the wall and see how many pages can get ripped out in one toss.
843.Feat of Strength Device. (Why ruin a perfectly good phone book?)
844.Comical Prop/Device.
845."Joke of the day" - turn to random page, throw dart - check which verse Christians have taken literally - get laugh.
846.Rolling paper.
847.Stepping stool for short "Fundies" to use when they can't get to the front of the KKK rally and see the good shit.
848.Use to hold up one end of bike ramp for kids.
849.Kickball.
850.Backstop for test firing handguns.
851.Play drinking games with it. Take a drink for every contradiction.
852.Offer to start fires with it at your local book-burning.
853.Use instead of clay pigeons when practicing your shooting.
854.Stack to make backstop for target practice.
855.Use directly for target practice - those paper backdrops are costly.
856.Useful as a club for slaughtering baby seals.
857.Good for show when you are trying to nail a religious chick.
858.Some good erotic stories in there. I remember something about a dude who pulled out and spilled his seed on the floor(or her belly) so god, being the loving deity he is, struck him dead.
859.A bible and a dollar can get you a cup of coffee.
860.Soak the pages in LSD, cut into small squares, sell for a profit.
861.A good way to find names for your NPC while role-playing.
862.Flame wars. Oooh yeah.
863.Drinking games! See how many you can balance on your head while hammered!
864.Hollow it out and stick an egg in it and throw it off a building. See if god saves the egg.
865.Makes a nice Arrow stopper - even from my 75lb compound!
866.Wadding for black powder muzzle loaders.
867.Arrow cleaners - sometimes even I miss.
868.Book throwing contests! Graded by weight. How far will the 'word' fly?
869.Shred em for 'ticker tape' parades.
870.Hide your rock hammer in it so that you can tunnel out through the prison wall. Caution: requires a big poster.
871.Use as handle for top secret international spy list theft plot. Caution: requires passing understanding of German.
872.Slasher movie shorthand for "this character is gonna die." Almost as effective as nudity for this purpose.
873."For he who taketh of the paper and wrap it around sacred ganja most assuredly will get high". This was in the original bible, but the page it was on got ripped out for some reason.
874.Instead of T-shirt guns at sporting events, why not hard cover bible guns?
875.Test of strength. Stop ripping useful phonebooks in half to show your manhood. Get a bible instead.
876.Rolling papers (God - I am so stoned.).
877.Bible Dominos.
878.Use the garbage can as a basketball hoop. Can you make the 30 foot prayer shot?
879.Use to create rift in forum. Watch hilarity ensue.
880.I cus, you cus, we all cus for Leviticus.
881.Use jokes about "things to do to a bible" in place of "dead baby" jokes to see who has a stick/bug rammed the furthest up their ass.
882.Cut hole through middle to make a floating drink holder in hot tub or swimming pool.
883.Use as a brake on a sled.
884.Use to re-enact scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail where monks are chanting and hitting themselves.
885.Impress Catholic chicks to get into their pants.
886.Use a drill and just make it extra-holy to kill some time.
887.In place of expensive sand in sandbags when ballooning over water.
888.Use to roll joints in case of no real papers.
889.Use to light joint in case of no matches: 1. (carefully crack light bulb so as not to break filament 2. hold bible page to filament 3. turn on light 4. light bible joint with burning bible).
890.Air cannon test rounds.
891.Tamping for explosives tests.
892.Model rocket launch base.
893.Impress cute atheist chicks/dudes by demonstrating irrationality of said Book.
894.Hollow inside partially, replace cover and use as drum.
895.Use Song of Solomon as a source of stupid pick up lines. "Hey babe, your breasts are as shields of Babylon, can you guess what part of my anatomy is like a tower of David?".
896.For a "1001 Practical Uses for..." list.
897.Rip out the pages and tape them together to make a giant single piece of paper. Fashion into a rudimentary parachute. Jump from an airplane. God will save you.
898.Apply pages to a hang-glider.
899.Use to block windows of your cat house.
900.Hollow out and store Walkman. Your own carrying case, and nobody will bother you.
901.Hide Radio inside to keep up with the game...
902.Put a whole TV in.
903.Or a portable DVD player.
904.Use as backstop for rail gun experiments.
905.Tie around a rope as a weight for throwing.
906.Attach wheels underneath and use as skateboard.
907.Use to prop up skateboard ramp.
908.A sled for gnomes.
909.Papers for joints.
910.Stick in microwave and watch gilding spark.
911.See how many you can stick up your nose.
912.See how many you can stick up a door knocker's nose.
913.Drink as many shots as you can stack on the bible, and have god's own drunk.
914.Drive god's own porcelain bus.
915.Pass out into god's own coma.
916.Wake up in the hospital three days after having your stomach pumped and have god's own hangover.
917.Repeat, possibly with other forms of chemical excess until you're brain damaged enough to be god's own disciple.
918.Use as something to sit on when the grass is wet.
919.Rest one end on a stick with string attached the use as a bird trap.
920.Build a wall of them and fray the pages to form a decorative hide for hunting birds (see above).
921.Place several together and shoot through them, using the penetration as a means of measuring the power of your gun.
Biblical Sex And Violence
922."Little black book" for Catholic clergy to keep kids names and numbers in.
923.Hollow out to stash "adult toys".
924.Something for Christian men to beat their wives with.
925.Paddle to spank a nun with.
926.Assassination device (drop from great height onto victim's head).
927.Club (the binding edge of even fairly thin magazines can deliver a lot of force).
928.Use as spanking toy for S&M session.
929.A slightly uncomfortable way to elevate your lover's hips while having raunchy sex with 2 different types of birth control.
930.Something to read when your supply of sadomasochistic erotica runs out. Rrrrrrwwwl*.
931.Use it as "Some bad-ass shit to say to a motherfucker before you put a cap in their ass" ALA Winston (Pulp Fiction...).
932.Strap two bibles to your fists(soft cover) and beat up your neighbor with em.
933.Something to throw at people when they start humming an annoying song.
934.Use as a 'Witch Detector': Crush her knuckles with it until she says she's a witch.
935.Use as a 'Witch Detector': Tie her to 300 pounds of wet bibles and throw her in a lake. If she drowns, she was one.
936.Use as a 'Witch Detector': If you hit her with it and it hurts or she loses consciousness, she's a 'witch'.
937.Use as a 'Witch Detector': If you light it on fire, and then hold it under her foot, a virtuous woman won't be burned by it.
938.Use as a fundy defense mechanism. Throw them (and any accumulated pamphlets) at door knockers. (Typically not clever enough to be doorknobs.).
939.Throw it and kill a bird!
940.Slam it and kill a bee!
941.Read it and commit suicide!
942.To slap someone with.
943.Drop lots out of back of C-141 from high altitude as an antipersonnel weapon.
944.If you're a priest, make children you're molesting swear they won't tell on it; threaten them with certain hellfire and damnation.
945.Use as vampire stake mallet.
946.Stuff into dead body during mummification ritual.
947.Burnt offerings to the snow demons.
948.Pin together and stack high to make an Ashera pole.
949.Form into the shape of a calf.
950.Raw materials to form your statue of Baal.
951.During the autumn ritual for your dead ancestors, use as book as a place to put your pentagram.
952.A place to put the flint knife after you've cut the victim's heart out and thrown it (still beating) into the fire and kicked the body down the temple stairs.
953.If the demon you summoned with a dark ritual gets out of control, use it to whack it on the head... if you can tell where it is.
954.When unspeakable things crawl out of the dungeon dimension, use it to pretend you're a Jehova's Witness, so they hide behind the furniture and pretend they're not at home instead of eating you.
955.Use as stylus to mark your spell circle in the dirt.
956.Use it as the central idol in your cannibal cult.
957.Use to prop up tunnels for mining castle walls.
958.Be almost burned alive for translating into English.
959.Throw several in with a body wrapped in trash bags and thrown in a dumpster to disguise its shape.
960.Use to smack people who use emoticons excessively.
961.Open and tape to choirboys asses to protect them from pedophile priests.
962.Use as a gag to keep those school kids you're buggering quiet.
963.Open and slam shut on pedophile priests penises.
964.Open and slam shut on choirboys testicles so they can still get those difficult high notes.
965.Use pages for "death by 1000 paper cuts" torture.
966.Use as signature piece for your serial killing.
967.Illustrate and use as a sex manual for inexperienced newlyweds to ensure they find the correct orifice.
968.Keep handy to beat of hungry bears while having alfresco sex in a thunderstorm.
969.Inserting them into ones vagina and burning the cover for sexual gratification only to die from a womb full of book worms.
970.Something to step off of when you're ready to commit suicide by hanging.
971.Proof of existence test. Hit someone on the knee with it if they don't believe they really exist.
972.Need a reason to start a war? Look it up!
973.Use as justification for a 'purge'.
974.Use as justification to single out and murder people who are not popular.
975.Use as justification to launch a war of genocide. Heck, a lot of stories in the O.T. are nothing but slaughtering men, women, children, even livestock in cities.
976.Use as justification to torture people to death.
977.Use as justification of 'manifest destiny' (or other synonym) to kill off or subjugate native populations and take their lands/possessions.
978.Use as justification to keep slaves, and as guidelines for slave treatment (i.e. If it takes three whole days for the slave to die of your beating, you're in the right.).
979.Use as perfect guidance to how to live your life, and what animals to make a blood sacrifice of at the altar.
980.Use as a justification to kill people who disagree with you in some small detail.

Biblical Self Improvement
981.Excellent tool for showing Christians why believing in god is just plain stupid.
982.Excellent for learning family values. Something about the value of worth of families goes like this: Man, boy, dog, wife, girl.
983.Guidebook for life of servitude to imaginary beings.
984.Peek into the mind of God, and life of Christ. Then read Green Eggs and Ham to understand Sam I Am.
985.It's a great conversation piece. (If you like loud conversations.)
986.“Moral and Ethical Instruction for Dummies”. Next to “Windows For Dummies”.
987.Basis of legal systems where body parts are cut off.
988.Demonstration of the falsity of Jesus being the Messiah.
989.Use to start an argument with anyone.
990.Hit them with it to end the argument.
991.Gain insight into the perfectly sane and normal ego of the One High Loving Jealous Peaceful Warlike Meek Mighty Forgiving Tolerating Unbiased Except Towards Israelites His Chosen People Power That is Our God. (amen).
992.Learn all about incest.
993.A source of citation for GOOD, SACRED laws, like what to kill children for, or who should not be allowed to live under any circumstances.
994.Excellent source of useless trivia. Did I say 'useless trivia'? I meant divine inspiration, really.
995.A Fine object to be called "over the top" for even the slightest bit of poking fun at.
996.An easy means to provoke people into irrational acts by merely saying it would be good as T.P. Well, certain versions of it with that nice tissue-like paper, anyway. Rip a page out of one and see how wild people get.
997.Use as a means of justifying any dumb old statement secure in the knowledge that the book's generally too boring to be read by anyone who is following, and "followers" should not disagree with "leaders" in any way.
998.Use to keep those pesky serfs in their places.
999.Use as absolute proof that the world is exactly 6000 years old, and that the solar system is made of big glass spheres with dots marked on them.
1000.Peek into the minds of proper fundies: if it isn't printed in this tiny volume, it's not in their tiny minds.
1001.Handy guidebook for arguing with religious types. Want to know what their holy book really says? READ IT! Then compare against their current behavior.
1002.It can be used to baffle idiots for hours, days, and possibly even years.
1003.Use as a means of singling out people for torment.
1004.Use as a right and sacred means of motivating a mob to go set fire to someone's home.
1005.Delivers enlightenment... oh, wait, several people have already said to use it to start fires.
1006.Literal acting.
1007.Use more suggestions about "uses" to really get at people who can't really say why it upsets them.
1008.Make a self-referential statement about just talking about things to do to it to pad up the list a bit.
1009.Use a bible to claim your argument is more important (or sacred or divine) than other people's arguments.
1010.Use it to wave in people's faces and darkly hint that there is eternal torment waiting for people who don't believe in it just like you do.
1011.Use it to pretend that all works not derived from a pound of pulp and some gilding is ultimately worthless.
1012.Use for soapbox when preaching 'God hates fags' (Hear that Reverend Phelps? )*.
1013.Tear out some pages to clean up the mess on the sheets afterwards.
1014.Use it to dissuade people from hitting on you. Read it intently during bad chat-ups. Murmur about the 'path of the righteous man'.
1015.To start a very amusing thread, like this one.
1016.Something to be thumped by a religious group I'm trying to oppress.
1017.JUSTIFY ANYTHING! Whooohoo!
1018.Use as tool to enslave other humans.
1019.Useful as a bludgeoning device for driving nails into people. For piercings of course!
1020.Makes a good excuse to avoid learning anything: "All I need to know is in ONE book".
1021.Excellent reference for crossword clues involving bible fables.
1022.Excellent reference for atheists when arguing with fundamental literalists'.
1023.'Verily, I say onto you: Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke'.
1024.Finding out just how much a human life is worth. (It's all there in Leviticus).
1025.Use as an idol to claim it should be "respected" above all other works, even though the uses it has been put to are contemptible, and the people who insist the loudest for "respect of their sacred tome" behave un-respectably, and un-respectfully to others.
1026.Read Bible, and no sense will enter your brain through your ears.
1027.Use as a dictionary so your words can mean anything.
1028.Use as an encyclopedia so you can pretend to know everything.
1029.Use as a thesaurus if you need a lot of synonyms for 'kill'.
1030.Get out of science tests by yelling: "It's the WORD OF GOD!" while waving in air.
1031.A Fire wall between *good* Christians and Hell.
1032.Use as an argument that there is a Hell.
1033.Use as barricade to keep the Mormons from bashing down your door.
1034.A firewall between 'evil' atheists and the Elect. (Neener neener neener).
1035.WASPs can justify colonies out of its shit.
1036.Confuse fundies by quoting passages in support of atheism (oh come on, there's a Scriptural justification for everything).
1037.Make your life's questions ridiculously simple. The answer is always A: Because God said so.
1038.If you put your hand on it and swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth it will work!
1039.Take everything in the book literally except the stuff that you can't answer. When brought to your attention immediately ignore and refer something in the book that you can answer. Claim it is the real meaning.
1040.As a handy thing to wave about when you say "GOOD Christians will go to heaven, and *OTHER Christians won't!" (*i.e. those not in YOUR church).
1041.Use it's teachings to shun your friends and relatives when they don't do exactly as you'd like.
1042.Swear on them. Gullible morons will believe you're being more truthful when you do.
1043.If you "look Moslem", use in convenience store to "prove" you're a Christian so racists don't shoot you.
1044.Hedge your bets for prosperity; use pages to make a thousand origami swans. (One of the histories that involves the origami tells, that if were made a thousand "tsurus" (swans) in the same year, they will bring much good luck in the following year. In these times, nothing better than gladness and prosperity to the millennium that is coming.).
1045.Relaxation therapy.
1046.Read and realize how utterly fucking lucky you are to live in the 21st century.
1047.Use as inspiration for artwork. No, not Baroque, Surrealist.
1048.A way for winning an indeterminate number arguments.
1049.Something to thump your hand on while ranting.
1050.Read the King James as a novel. Go on, suspend disbelief and forget religion. This version has all the charm of classics like Herodotus the Histories!
1051.Stuff several down the barrel of an Israeli tank then throw stones at the tank in order to strike a blow for the freedom of Palestine when the tank commander fires at you.

[ February 16, 2002: Message edited by: evildave ]</p>